Lessons 5: Grief and Loss in Parenting

Lessons from the NICU: Grief and Loss in Parenting

Parenting is a journey filled with love, hope, and joy—but also with unexpected grief and loss. While we often associate grief with death, in parenting, it can take on many forms. For those who have experienced the NICU, grief may come in the form of missed milestones, an unplanned birth, or the absence of a traditional homecoming. For parents of teenagers and young adults, grief can emerge when a child’s path takes a direction different from what was once envisioned. Acknowledging these feelings allows us to move forward with both acceptance and joy.

Grieving the Parenthood We Imagined

When Charli arrived early, our vision of a peaceful homecoming, a beautifully prepared nursery, and a joyful baby shower was suddenly replaced with urgent medical interventions and the beeping of monitors. Instead of holding her in the quiet of our home, we sat holding her close with many wires and tubes attaching her to life saving medical devices while her tiny body fought battles no newborn should have to face. There was an unspoken grief in missing out on those "firsts" that so many parents take for granted—the first bath at home, the first walk in a stroller, showing her off to friends and family in person.

The loss here is profound—not in the sense of losing our child, but in losing the anticipated experience of early parenthood. The NICU experience reshaped what those early days of parenting looked like for us, leaving us to reconcile our expectations with our new reality.

Similarly, as children grow, the dreams we hold for them may not align with their reality. Many of the families I work with wrestle with this challenge. They may have a child who does not share passion for a particular sport, may choose an unconventional career path, or may decide against attending college. Some parents may also find themselves navigating a child’s major mental health diagnosis, which can significantly alter their expectations for the future. Watching a child struggle with anxiety, depression, or another serious mental health condition can bring a deep sense of grief—not because we love them any less, but because their challenges may prevent them from experiencing life in the way we had once imagined. The dream of watching your child walk across a stage at graduation, thrive in friendships, or embrace independence may need to be rewritten, and that can be painful.

Honoring the Loss While Celebrating the Present

It’s important to recognize that grief and joy can coexist. The sadness of an altered journey does not mean we love our children any less or that we are ungrateful for the moments we do have. We can acknowledge the loss of what we hoped for while embracing the beauty of what is.

For NICU parents, this may mean grieving the lost moments of a traditional newborn experience while cherishing the strength and resilience of their tiny fighter. With Charli, we mourned the moments we didn’t get, but we also found immense pride in every milestone she reached—her first time breathing unassisted, her first time being held skin-to-skin without the weight of medical equipment, her first smile despite all she had been through.

Similarly, for parents of the children I work with, it may mean mourning the loss of a particular dream while celebrating the unique individual their child is becoming. One of the most healing things we can do as parents is to give ourselves the space to feel both grief and gratitude. Grief does not negate joy, and joy does not erase grief. They exist side by side, often intertwining in ways that make the parenting experience richer and more complex. Learning to hold both emotions at once allows us to fully honor our journey as parents.

Moving Forward with Grace

Recognizing and honoring parental grief doesn’t mean dwelling in sorrow—it means allowing space for our emotions, processing them, and then shifting our focus to the joys of the present.

We must give ourselves permission to feel the sadness of a missed milestone while also rejoicing in the victories, no matter how small. A NICU parent may still feel the sting of a lost baby shower, but the first time their baby breathes unassisted is just as worthy of celebration. A parent who once dreamed of a child heading off to a prestigious college may instead find pride in their child's success in a trade, entrepreneurship, or exploring a gap year experience. For parents navigating a child’s mental health struggles, victories may look different—finding the right treatment, seeing them take small steps toward healing, or simply knowing they feel supported and loved.

It’s also important to seek out and create new traditions that honor our unique journey. For us, this has looked like celebrating Charli's NICU graduation and tracking milestones that reflect her personal growth rather than conventional expectations. For parents of older children, it might mean finding new ways to support and encourage their children in the paths they choose, rather than the ones we envisioned for them.

Building a Community of Understanding

One of the most challenging aspects of parental grief is feeling isolated in it. Society often encourages us to focus solely on gratitude, making it difficult to voice our losses without feeling guilty. Finding a community of parents who understand—whether through NICU support groups, parenting forums, or friends who have navigated similar paths—can be incredibly validating. Being able to share our experiences openly allows us to process our emotions more fully and find comfort in knowing we are not alone.

Additionally, it’s important for us to extend grace not only to ourselves but also to other parents. Every family has its own struggles, and no path is free from unexpected twists and turns. By being open about our own journey, we encourage others to do the same, creating a culture where both grief and joy are honored in parenting.

Embracing the Unexpected Journey

In the end, parenting is not about forcing our children into the mold we imagined—it’s about embracing them for who they are and the journey they take, whether it’s one we planned or not. When we make space for both grief and joy, we create room for deeper connection, understanding, and love along the way.

Life rarely unfolds according to plan, but in the detours, we often find some of our most profound and meaningful experiences. By allowing ourselves to grieve what was lost while celebrating what remains, we step into a more authentic, compassionate, and fulfilling experience of parenthood.