Lesson 3: Resilience and Adapting to Change
Parenting is a journey filled with twists and turns, and no phase exemplifies this more than the challenging experiences of having a baby in the NICU except for raising teenagers and young adults. Though these stages seem worlds apart, they share profound parallels. As a NICU mom and a therapeutic placement specialist with over 20 years of experience guiding families through adolescence and young adulthood, I’ve seen firsthand how the lessons learned in the NICU become invaluable tools for parenting through life’s later stages.
The NICU teaches you to expect the unexpected. One day might bring progress, and the next a setback. Similarly, raising teens involves navigating emotional highs and lows, shifting dynamics, and moments of uncertainty. Resilience becomes your anchor.
A year ago today, Charli had her second brain surgery. She was teeny tiny but already such a fighter, embodying the kind of resilience that would inspire us through every step of her journey. The day before the surgery was scheduled, we had a big team meeting with all the departments, doctors, nurses, and care professionals. As parents, we gathered with this team—and a close friend to take notes, knowing this meeting would be emotional—to make the final decision and preparations for her surgery. We had done all the research we could and trusted her team’s recommendations that this surgery was absolutely necessary at this time. Charli had reached the milestone we were looking for of weighing 2kg and was healthy and ready for the surgery.
The next morning, before the sun was up, Adem and I woke up and drove to the hospital, a bundle of nerves but excited to finally take this next step. Charli was scheduled for surgery at 10 a.m. At a little before 8 a.m., the doctors came to her room to inform us that she had tested positive for COVID-19, which was both unexpected and alarming. This news introduced immediate uncertainty about her surgery, as we had to grapple with questions about how the infection might impact her already delicate condition and whether the surgery could safely proceed. We questioned how she could possibly have gotten COVID and what this would mean for her surgery. How would this infection harm her body? Could this have been a false positive? Why had they even tested her in the first place, given her asymptomatic state? Ultimately, these questions were useless as we were at the mercy of the hospital system to determine the path forward.
We sat bedside with our baby, trying not to bring our anxious energy into her space. Her scheduled surgery time of 10 a.m. came and went without a decision. Then her neurosurgeon visited us. We asked for an update and his advice. He said that he firmly believed Charli needed the surgery that day and he and his team were absolutely ready to perform it. For this surgery, four teams were involved: neurosurgery, gastroenterology, general surgery, and anesthesiology. What he recommended was that we ask all four teams if they were comfortable moving forward with the surgery on a baby who had tested positive for COVID.
We followed his advice and began asking the other teams one by one as they came by to discuss the situation.
Charli had a follow-up Covid test four hours after the first, and it came back negative, further confusing everyone. The conflicting results not only prolonged the decision-making process but also heightened the emotional strain. We felt torn between relief and frustration, knowing that each passing hour without a decision added to the uncertainty of her condition and the surgery’s timing. Despite the confusion, we continued to advocate for Charli and mount the case with the hospital to proceed with the surgery. Long into the afternoon, at 2 p.m., we finally got word that the hospital board of directors and all the doctors unanimously decided to move forward. Charli had the surgery late in the day. The waiting, the uncertainty, and the emotional toll required resilience beyond measure.
Charli is the first baby at this hospital to have had brain surgery while testing positive for Covid-19. This milestone highlighted the remarkable resilience and adaptability of both Charli and her medical team. Charli’s strength in facing such a complex situation and the team’s ability to navigate unprecedented challenges demonstrated how perseverance and collaboration can lead to transformative outcomes. She came through the surgery without incident. This surgery was transformative for her. It was after this surgery that she was able to begin to focus her healing journey on other areas like feeding and growing.
Navigating Emotional Highs and Lows: This experience of navigating emotional highs and lows is not unique to this story or to the NICU. Teens are known for their emotional roller coasters, and as a parent, you’re often the steady presence they need. Whether it’s navigating academic stress, social pressures, or emotional challenges, your ability to stay composed and supportive mirrors the resilience you developed in the NICU. I learned then, as I have with my teen clients, that some days feel heavier than others, but that doesn’t diminish the possibility of brighter days ahead.
Focusing on What You Can Control: One of the most valuable lessons from the NICU is learning to let go of what you can’t control and focusing your energy on what you can. With teens, this might mean accepting that you can’t prevent every mistake or disappointment but can provide guidance, encouragement, and unwavering support.
In the story above we had lost so much control over the events of the day. We focused on loving our baby and trusting that the hospital had the rest under control. By centering our attention on the love and bond we shared with Charli, we found the strength to navigate the uncertainty and anxiety of the situation. This focus on what truly mattered helped us cope and reminded us of the resilience required to move forward, no matter how challenging the circumstances. I often ask my clients to focus on the relationship they have with their child as that is what they can control, not the actions their child takes or choices their child makes.
Building Emotional Stamina: Resilience also involves taking care of yourself. In the NICU, this meant finding moments of rest amidst the chaos. As a parent of a teen, it’s just as important to prioritize self-care. Whether through seeking support from friends, engaging in hobbies, or working with a professional, maintaining your emotional well-being is key to being present for your child.
Teaching Resilience Through Your Actions: Our children no matter their age learn resilience by observing. Share stories of challenges you’ve overcome, including your NICU journey. Show them that setbacks are temporary and that perseverance leads to growth. By modeling resilience, you’re equipping them with the tools to face their own challenges with courage and determination.
Conclusion: Building a Lifelong Foundation
The NICU experience leaves an indelible mark on families, instilling qualities of perseverance, hope, and strength. These qualities are the foundation for navigating the unpredictable journey of raising teens and young adults. Just as you supported your child in every other stage of life, you’re equipped to guide them through adolescence and into adulthood with the same love and dedication.
Parenting is never easy, but it’s always worth it. By embracing the lessons you’ve already learned, you’re not just surviving these challenges—you’re thriving alongside your child.